Midlife angst, is that what this is?

 


I’m 40 and struggling to find something that makes me feel fulfilled, passionate, and joyful. I’m at that point. Reviewing my accomplishments and wondering where I can go next. I feel like I’m going through the motions, each moment fleeting. When I was younger, I felt fun moments deeply and the feeling seemed to last such a long time. Now, there seem to be moments of joy sprinkled into the heavy reality of adulting. Things like moving 800 miles away from family and friends with hopes of a better life for my children with the understanding that I could be far away when my elderly dad passed away. And that’s exactly how it happened. He passed away while I was far away. I’m left navigating grief and changing family dynamics while also processing culture shock, finding new friends with newfound social anxiety uncommon for an extrovert like me, and finding what grounds me in this new season and in this new city. I feel unsatisfied, merely content with what I know I should not take for granted. And there’s so much to not take for granted. A home, my health, family and friends, a healthy work environment. And yet, here I am, unsatisfied. Midlife angst, I suppose. But the small, fleeting moments of laughter and joy are there. They exist, even if sometimes just sprinkled in. So what if I start embracing those small, fleeting moments that make up my days?

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