Fleeting Moments at 40

You do what you love while buzzing on the inside and caffeine hasn’t even hit your bloodstream construction worker headphones to drown out the tantrum the bills the reality of aging the realities of health all the things you want to sort out that God says to hand Him still swirl in your head creating a whirlpool deep and dark and you can just see yourself trying to stay out of the middle write, write, write write poetry, just write

Yesterday was a sunny warm day after so many long and snowy ones, so I decided to take my two youngest on a walk after school across a pedestrian bridge with beautiful views of the Ohio River and the two waterfront cities that connect over it. It would have been great for my oldest to have also joined us, but she had her first ever job training and needed to try out a different city bus route than her usual. Our walk started off really well. The waterfront area was full of people, ready for this little glimpse of spring. Bikes, roller skates, strollers, runners, dogs, kids, everyone out and about. We walked and chatted, fully taking in the unusual warmth. The ice cream and boba spots were closed, so we decided to go for the hibachi and sushi restaurant that also has boba. My kids had a little bit of a tough time sitting and showing restaurant manners, but things were going well and the food was good. I can’t pinpoint the point of transition, but suddenly I found myself in a flustered s...

I’ve always loved poetry I’ve always written poetry I’ve even performed poetry But it never felt prestigious enough to keep doing Those who write novels and memoirs are the real writers, each word crafted carefully. How else does it reach you? And, anyway, aren’t there too many people in the world now for me to have anything to give? Poetry says there’s always something to give.

  February 23, 2025 Good food, good company, good coffee. Sometimes, that’s all it takes to lift you out of your daily grind and allow you to be in the moment, to feel like the person that you know you are. Gifs via texts with friends who need no words, impromptu virtual dance parties with my far away tribe, coffee flights at an aesthetically pleasing Nepalese-inspired cafe while also being there when things aren't so bright. I want to find more time and appreciation for all of it. All of it is life. It's taken me to a shockingly long time to adjust to being so far away from the only place I ever called home. Lots of awkward moments of doubt and unease. Was this really the right move? Wearing my heart on my sleeve and oversharing, crying as walls came down, feeling raw and vulnerable as I entered a new season in my life with strangers, feeling seen and heard and valued in ways that I did not expect. This is starting to feel like home now.

Originally February 16, 2025 Yesterday we got just enough snow to leave a light coating on just about everything and it was breathtaking.  A winter wonderland. I felt grateful and ungrateful all at the same time, hyper aware of the ways in which I complain and the ways in which I stop and take beautiful moments in.  

  Originally February 12, 2025 Wintry suburban numbness coupled with a bad case of the 40's. Stagnant, between worries for your children and worries for your parents. Holding space for what ails us. Dis-eases of the mind, body, and spirit. In the midst, bills here and there, closing in, making the air more difficult to inhale. Pandemic, baby, move, inflation, disorientation. Grieve. You listen closely to catch human words that resonate with you. My small talk with coworkers is to say that each day is a blur, I wake up and suddenly it's time for bed. She is filled with relief at the quick passing of time. He wakes up wanting it to be bedtime. We're all 40. So we smile. We keep our heads up. We keep trying. Whatever that means. And nothing feels like enough. Not moments that are picturesque to the masses, like dogs running around a yard while the kids jump in the trampoline, not the human connection that makes you sad because it's about the end and makes you longingly cra...

  Originally January 22, 2025 I want to be silly and laugh, but is there space for that?  Life feels too serious.  Even laughing is gone almost instantly. I remember belly laughing, tears rolling down my cheeks, not even 30 minutes into chatting with a stranger at a conference.  Just like that, the moment was gone.  We exchanged phone numbers, but what for?  The moment is gone.  It's a high that I chase and only truly find sometimes hidden in mounds of holding space and paying bills and being held in space.  I searched "funny" in Google photos. This is what came up.